Just a headsup, this post today may be a touch crude, but I feel I have to tell this tale, and explain how I single handedly averted the potential breakdown of society as we know it.
I had a bit of an awkward moment today. Classifying it as a 'bit' of an awkward moment kind of undersells it though. Or maybe just to me it does. This awkward moment occurred in public (of sorts) toilet. Please people, don't get ahead of me, let me tell the story, before you start creating your own version of events. Capisce? What's that? Quiche? You like quiche? Mad, so do I. Anyway I feel we're starting to get off topic here, let me get this back on the rails.
Anyway, I walked into a staff bathroom at the school I was at today, and, I don't know if this applies to women and their respective bathrooms, but there are certain unspoken, socially accepted rules in the men's bathroom;
-Don't make eye contact
-Don't smile at the other occupants in the business room
-Don't use the facility to the immediate side of an occupied facility if there are others available
-Don't look south of anyone's border
-Don't smile after/during/right before looking south of somone's border
These are the carnal rules of the men's bathroom, and they are never broken. If they are broken, society itself will crumble.
Anyway, the staff bathroom I walked into was rather small, and as such, there were only 2 exterior facilities and one stall. Now me, I am a stall man. Always have been, always will be. Unless of course, the stalls are occupied. Then I use the exterior facilities. This however, is relatively rare. So is me using a public restroom, but it does happen. In this scenario, the exterior facilities were unoccupied, and I thought the stall was too, so I began walking towards it. Then to my surprise, I heard the unmistakable signs of flushing (either that, or somebody was taking a mad-wicked onesie) inside the stall. I froze.
What were my options? Use an external facility? No, the person was about to walk out, and it was a small bathroom with no one else inside it, it would have been weird.
Wait for the person to exit the stall, then go in after him? No, what if there was still an... 'essence of past events' still strong in their air? Plus, more importantly, the person would walk out and see me just waiting there. He'd think I'd been there for ages, just...listening to him go about his business. He'd think I was insane.
What if someone walked in and saw me standing there, doing nothing? He'd think I was insane too.
I had to make a decision, and soon. The very fabric of society itself was at stake
Like I said, I froze. I looked at the exit behind me, back to the stall door, then back to the exit. I could now hear the unmistakeable sounds of the person getting ready to open the door. I finally made my move. The only move I could make in such a situation.
I left.
I got the hell out of there. Making sure to open and close the door soundlessly so he wouldn't know there was someone in there. I think I made the right (and only) choice. The collapse of society was averted. I am a hero. And I paid for my heroism with a feeling of really needing to heed the call of the wild. Ah well, I believe in karma, I'll probably win the lottery jackpot tomorrow. Seems fair, really.
But anyway, it was just a really awkward situation. I was paralysed for a bit, just wondering what the hell to do. Has something like this ever happened to the guys out there? What about the ladies? Was this really weird to you? Are these unspoken rules completely foreign? Did you have any idea of their existence? Did that video completely blow your mind as you learned for the first time about the complex, efficient, utopian society thing us guys have going in our public restrooms? Comment away.
This Suffering
Billy Talent
Billy Talent II, 2006
I died laughing seriously.Really I died.
ReplyDeleteOnce it happened with me,yea' once because I avoid using private restroom as much as possible.
So,what happened is that I took somewhat longer time to relax myself,than usual,maybe a bad stomach or something like that,as I was about to get out I noticed someone standing (shadow) outside.I hesitated getting out,thinking whatsoever he would think that I was doing for so long in there??!! THE HORROR.So I waited for almost 3 minutes,which seemed as an eternity ,until he went to the cuticle next to mine.
I know it's kinndda odd,but it happened with me.
Nice blog and I'm following ya.:P
I learned so much from that video...
ReplyDeleteReally?! Those are the unspoken rules to the a Mens' Bathroom? Girls are much, much different. We chat as loudly as we want in there. We laugh, we compliment each other's outfits, we start conversations -- whatever we do in public, we do in the bathroom as well.
"Exterior facilities" really creep me out. I'm grateful that we ladies don't have anything like that...
Peas out :P
Eeshie is correct! Girls chat away and fix their hair and smile at eachother. Of course, there's no fear of accidentally slipping a glance at the nether reigions in girls' bathrooms, are there?
ReplyDeleteThough it is preferred that if other stalls are available, one chooses a stall at least one-away from any occupied ones. But it's not really an unspoken rule, just a privacy preference... Unless of course one runs out of toilet paper or finds themselves without lady product. Then it is indeed preferable to have someone in the stall next to you.
hahahahahahahahahahaha this post made me laugh :D
ReplyDeleteand yeah there aren't really any rules for girls bathrooms, we all just kind of hang out. thats why girls tend to go to the bathroom together. and just by my personal preference, I always go to the big stall first, the wheelchair access one, just cause its roomy. :P
This was an audible-laughter bringing post, mostly because it rang so true to me. I'm also a total stall man, but I'll straight up refuse to use the exterior facilities. Also, in my high school, quite a few of the guys seemed to have missed the memo about "Don't shout inanities and make conversation with someone based on the shoes you see under the stall door." Freakin' rediculous.
ReplyDeleteYo. This was hilarious. No joke. :OO
ReplyDeleteI was reading this at school and I started choking out of nowhere. Someone actually had to get me water.
The girl's bathroom isn't awkward unless a girl is staring at you the whole time you're washing your hands and you're the only two there. True story. Haha.
I've been in the dude's restroom by accident in third grade. I thought the school had renovated the bathroom by adding cool little "sinks." When I was done with my business, I saw two guys staring at me with their mouths hanging open. I ran outta there as fast as I could and washed my hands in the girl's bathroom. -_-
But my story isn't as good as one of my friend's. He said he was in the mall using the restroom when some dude from school asked him, "-----, is that you?" And then he was like, "Um..yeah how did you know." And then his friend said, "Your shoes, bro. I knew they had to be yours."
Now that to me is just plain awkward. *chirping crickets in the background*
Snap, guess you girls really do NEVER stop talking... :P.
ReplyDeleteCan't believe it's so different for girls, the way you guys just carry on like it's a mall or something even when you're in the dunny. I have no idea why it's so different to what us guys have going on in our little ecosystem. The stark contrast is pretty amazing.
Food for thought.
Poor you.
ReplyDeleteThank god we girls don't have this problem.
Wait. I do, since I live in China and most toilets are doorless.
For me, it's more the question of which direction I should face when I pee. Should I let people have a nice view of my butt, or of my face?
Lol.
I laughed out loud while reading that. Girls are probably the opposite.
ReplyDeletehahaha, loved the post.
ReplyDeleteI HATE using a 'stall' that someone has just vacated.
Also,I feel awkward and scared of making 'bathroom noises' in a stall, only to exit and see a line of people waiting to use the place you have just vacated, their eyes judging, unforgiving.
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
ReplyDeletethis was quite amusing. :p
I HATE public bathrooms. I avoid them for as long as i can manage.
I also always feel awkward when there's someone there, so i just smile awkwardly at them and pray they'd leave soon.