We Used to Stand so Strong

Over two months. Damn. I didn't realise it had been that long between drinks. I think that's my longest hiatus yet. I really don't know why it is that I can't post as often as I used to. I look back through my archives, and in 2011, I had 45 posts up. In 2012, I had 9. That's quite a difference. I'm not sure why, but I've just not been able to get stuff out like I used to. Not a whole lot has changed since then and now. I'm still working in the same kind of place that I was in 2011. I still do the whole 8am-4pm Monday to Friday routine, so it's not like work is keeping me from doing anything.

Writer's block? I wouldn't even go as far as to call myself a writer. Though on a slight tangent, I think I would like to write a novel. I'd 'like' to, but I doubt I ever will. Same as I'd 'like' to be a photographer, but I never actually make a move towards making that happen. I just lack any real initiative. I'm my own worst enemy. I just don't seem to be able to let myself fully explore my more creative aspects. I really don't know where I'm going with this post. I'm just typing as thoughts come forward. We'll see how that goes.


I've done that a lot, over the last year or so, with my blog. Or at least, it feels like I have. I remember I used to have ideas about what I wanted to put into a post. I'd have ideas days in advance, and I'd slowly build on them and add to them, up until I started typing. Each post had a direction; a planned beginning and end. These days, they don't. I don't know why. I keep saying that, I know, but it's true. I don't know what's happening. I just feel like I'm stagnating.

I've been feeling lately that I've been lacking direction. Not just with posts, but with life in general - hope that's not too dramatic or grandiose. But I feel like I'm just going through the motions. Wake up, go to work, come home, eat, sleep. Rinse and repeat. With nothing in between to spice things up, and no real reason to look forward to anything. Is this a mid-midlife crisis? That'd be soft. I think - hope, really - that I'm just bored. I do feel that these days as nothing is happening and that I've got nothing to look forward to. I am fully aware of this, but don't seem to be changing it. It's like I'm just coasting by. I don't like it, but... I do nothing to change it.

I've also had a nagging feeling that I've never really done anything with my life. I've never really done anything worthy of note, anything to look back and reminisce on. I just feel like I've been wasting so much of my life. Which is weird, because last year I went overseas twice; once to see family, and the other with friends, just for the hell of it. But in spite of that, I still feel like I'm wasting so much time. I'm feeling dead in the water, and it kind of sucks.

Also, lately, I've been acutely aware of the fact that I'm single - still - and always have been. That fun little fact has been weighing down on me pretty heavily over the last year or so. I mean I've always been aware of it, but over the last year, give or take, it's just becoming a more prevalent fact. And I don't know, but that seems to be the fulcrum to all of this 'stagnation' that I've been feeling. And that bums me out, the fact that a thing like that has seemingly caused me to be a bit down. I don't want to have my happiness defined by whether I'm in a relationship or not. Of course, I'd rather be taken than single, but I don't want to force myself into settling just because I feel like that will make me happy in some way. I don't know. It's hard to admit that I've been feeling lacklustre lately and that it might be due to the fact that I'm still ridin' solo, but I think it has the largest part to play in my little episode. Like I said, this hasn't hit me just now; it's been fermenting in the back of my mind for a fair while.

I really hope that I won't be single for too much longer. If that's not too much to ask. It kind of sucks missing out on what so many other people have. I'm not sure why it's taking me so long to get off the mark. Am I a minger? I kind of hope not. Am I an arsehole? I don't think I am. And, as clearly stupid as this is - I see Joe Average over there with a better half, and douchebag guys with girls, and I cannot help but think, "How am I still single? He's a bloody git and she still sticks with him? Dafuq." Stupid thoughts, I know. But I still think them.

I've always found, for some reason, that I can never seem to break down that first barrier. I can never seem to just say "Hey, wanna go out?" I've never made that move, really. How soft is that? I get along fine with girls, I have plenty of friends who are of the female persuasion. But that's all they are. I can never seem to get further than that. I always seem to get stuck in the good old Friend Zone. That's always fun. There's only been one - and I mean one - occasion where I've actually made a move towards asking a gal to 'take it further'. But it was such a half-arsed effort and it was based on nothing that I wasn't surprised, or even put out when it was turned down. I saw her as a friend, and she saw me the same way, and we had no real feelings for each other. We both knew and felt that, and yet I egg-headedly asked anyway. I did just for the sake of doing it, really. There was no foundation to build on, I just asked regardless. I see it as both a good and a bad thing. I actually asked, so you know, go me; but there was nothing there, so what was the point?

I don't believe in 'fate' or 'destiny', so the whole "you'll find someone eventually" thing doesn't go any way towards making me feel better. Things don't happen on their own. Things don't just fall into your lap without you getting off your arse and making them. It's our own life to live. Go out there and make things happen. People who sit by and wait for things to happen are either fooling themselves or have been lucky in the past. Either way - gits.

Anyway. Like I said, it's been hard to admit that whole fact about being single probably being the reason I've been a bit down lately. But I think it is, sadly enough, true. And I hope owning up to that fact will change something for the better. I do know I feel marginally better for admitting it and voicing (read: typing) it.

So yeah. That's my sad little corner... #emo.

Onto something a little lighter - Have you guys heard of the band Biffy Clyro? They're not recent, they've been around for a fait bit but have only really come into prominence roughly 3 - 4 years ago. Their latest album Opposites dropped early this year and I find it amazing. If bees had knees, this album would be it/them ... whatever phrase works grammatically. Their style can be a bit unusual, though. Their first two albums didn't garner much of a strong following due to their style being a little too different from the norm. Their third album and onwards changed tack a little, towards something a little more conventional, so they've got a lot more exposure and playback. That, and the fact that they've toured an absolute crap-ton. They've changed, yes, but their style still has similarities to their older work, so they haven't completely alienated their original fan base.  They can be at opposite end of the spectrum - head-bang inducing riffs and choruses, then soft, harmonious melodies and lyrics. And they can pull of either type so well. Their song, Many of Horror demonstrates both qualities perfectly. Also, the lead singer, Simon Neil, has a Scottish accent. And I'm sorry, but if that isn't awesome, then nothing is.

Their fourth album, Only Revolutions was their first album that I got, and I loved it. Opposites, their fifth and latest, is even better. I got it almost a month ago, but it's still pretty much all I play at any real length. That's weird, even for me. I mean, I still play Oasis a lot (don't know if you knew that... *sarcasm*), but old Biffy Clyro seems to have put a pretty big dent into that streak.

I always look down on that one douche at every party who is always saying "Hey, check out this band - " and they don't shut up til you bring it up on your phone, but damnit these guys are awesome. And at the risk of being that guy, I will say check out these tracks, all from their fifth album:

Biblical
Black Chandelier
Sounds Like Balloons
Picture a Knife Fight
Opposite
The Thaw

If anyone is looking to check out a new band, give these guys a crack. I'm always on the lookout, and if you guys know of any good bands I should listen to, hit me up. I've been in a bit of a 'house' type mood lately (mainly to justify cranking up my car audio), so anything in the vein of Swedish House Mafia will not go amiss. Some songs by them would be good as well, actually. I'm very new to them, I only really heard them after they broke up... so... yeah. But they've got a good sound to them, so any good songs by them, let me know.

That's all from me. Typing what I typed earlier in this post before I started on the 'Biff has been the first time in a long time that I've actually voiced something more personal and genuine, I feel. Some of my older, seemingly more popular stuff - going by the comments section and read counts - was in the same vein, and it's been a long time since I've gone back that sort of style and content. Feels good.

Peas out.

Different People
Biffy Clyro
Opposites, 2013